In a remarkable show of bipartisan productivity, Congress spent three hours debating whether to ban oil, but ended up passing legislation to ban banning oil. “We can’t let the terrorists win by depriving Americans of good old-fashioned fossil fuels,” said Speaker Jamie Idle, while standing next to a commemorative barrel of crude.
President Trump attended memorial services for US soldiers, then took seventy-six minutes to tweet about how his supply-chain bill would single-handedly defeat both inflation and the entire Iranian navy.
Meanwhile, Senators agreed to move their desks farther apart to promote social distancing among dividers of the nation. One lawmaker was quoted as saying, “If we can’t agree on oil, at least we can agree not to touch each other.” Political analysts criticized the day’s events as “stunningly uninspired,” but markets reacted with excitement, as oil futures shot up and Congress declared victory against common sense.
Stay tuned as politicians continue the important work of keeping Americans supplied with whatever is trending that day.