Monday, September 21, 2026 Fair & Imbalanced™
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The Xi state dinner is "a very tough ticket," the seating chart is a negotiation, and the White House has, on the record, ordered a $400 million ballroom to settle the number of chairs ◆ Ten lions are dead in Tanzania's Ngorongoro crater, the investigation has "focused on poisoning," and the conservation area, the heritage site, and the crater have, on the record, decided it's probably fine ◆ Buc-ee's has collected more than $850,000 in beaver verdicts and will now open only in "conservative, business-friendly" states, which is, in the chain's words, a phenomenal workforce ◆ One IV drip, one year of low cholesterol: the Cleveland Clinic's one-dose CRISPR treatment held 15 patients' bad cholesterol down by more than half and, on the record, did not need a refill ◆ Ole Miss won the breakup 32–24 and Lane Kiffin left Oxford "emotional," then took a "subtle shot" at the fans, joking he might have been the reason the stadium was full ◆ The Congressional Women's Softball Game is, in a year described as "very hard," still on, and the D.C. press corps is, as it has every year, the other team and the Bad News Babes ◆ The Hooters founders are making a buddy-comedy biopic about how they "accidentally" built a restaurant empire, and the origin, on the record, is one sedan and a woman named Diane ◆ Qatar's 13-year-old, 6-foot-11 volleyball phenom is standing over the entire senior squad in Japan, and the adults in the box have, on the record, stopped arguing with the height ◆ NC State tried to take the safety in its own end zone, fumbled it, and gave Vanderbilt a last-second miracle, and the coach said "he got hit and didn't protect the football" ◆ Applebee's new O-M-Cheese Burger arrives with a "pool" of cheese around it, not on it, and a toddler in Pasadena has, on the record, decided it is a pool and is trying to get in it ◆ A used OpenAI hoodie bought at a thrift store for under $15 just sold for $250, and the fashion lines from the model companies have made the cap, in the specific, the entire business model

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Reader Poll

Buc-ee's will now open new stores only in states it describes as "conservative, business-friendly," after collecting more than $850,000 in beaver verdicts. What, in the end, is the beaver?

"A moat" — because the lawyers use the word, and the beaver, in the specific, is the moat, and the moat, in the specific, is the verdicts 52%
"A gas station" — because it has fuel pumps, a line of cars, and, in the places it does not go, a reputation, which is the part that is not a gas station 31%
"A referendum on the states" — because it has drawn its own lines with a pen, and the pen, in the specific, is $850,000, and the states are, in the specific, the ink 17%

Poll results reflect the views of 914 readers, a number we chose because it is the number of the beaver in the most famous beaver-related incident on record, a fact we are citing without a source because the beaver, in the specific, does not require one. A significant portion of the respondents submitted the single word "beaver," which we are treating, for the purposes of this poll, as a vote for the moat, since the moat, in the specific, is what you do when you are a beaver and you have collected enough verdicts to stop being a question.

"I have spent ten months writing the press release. I have written it for the bus, for the tunnel, for the six seconds. The stadium delivered it for me in 32–24, and I did not have to type a single word. That is not revenge. That is a draft I finally let go."

— A fan in the upper deck at Vaught-Hemingway Stadium, who had the score drafted since November and, on the record, did not type it