Wednesday, October 28, 2026 Fair & Imbalanced™
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President visits Ohio for the third time this month; Chillicothe says the gym acoustics are excellent and the motorcade windows are printed ◆ UN holds its 34th consecutive vote on the Cuba embargo; the resolution is already typed, the outcome expected to be overwhelming and identical ◆ Wholesale cocoa collapses 70%; the candy aisle declines to notice and keeps prices up 8%, saying it has never done this before ◆ New study confirms the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was the best thing ever to happen to ants; the ants decline comment, they're everywhere ◆ Colts open garage sale ahead of the November 10 deadline; franchise running back is lot one, owner's objection noted and non-binding ◆ Subway moves National Sandwich Day up to October 27 to dodge election coverage; November 3 remains the holiday, Subway is not attending ◆ Sonic serves a Santa slush float before Halloween; the calendar files a grievance, Sonic declines to comment ◆ Triumphal arch's groundbreaking holds at November 5; plaintiffs say the court isn't finished, and the administration isn't waiting ◆ Thanksgiving dinner falls to $55.18; one shopper says a prayer became a price comparison, economists call that a recovery ◆ Researchers implant tiny magnets in muscles; bionic hand now reports its own position, and has never once been wrong ◆ Monarch butterflies given cellphones; roaming charges zero, and one butterfly was delivered to Mexico by a storm ◆

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Reader Poll

How many times must the President visit Ohio before the midterms to count as campaigning there?

"Once. Like a normal person with a license plate." 4%
"Three is a modest week in a big state." 31%
"Ohio stopped being a state and became a venue." 65%

Results reflect the views of 402 readers, one Ohio gymnasium manager who has now hosted three presidential rallies and would like to be considered for a diplomatic posting, and a volleyball team displaced since the first Tuesday.

"For thirty-four years the world has assembled, voted, recorded the result, and gone home to dinner. Corporations pay billions for that level of reliability. We achieve it with one typist and a calendar."

— Ingrid Halvorsen, Definitely Real UN Under-Secretary-General for Recurring Business, has attended twenty-nine of the thirty-four Cuba votes, has never once brought a different draft, and keeps a drawer of identical pens labeled "future years"