ARLINGTON, VA — The Pentagon confirmed Thursday that it has formally solicited “creative and unconventional” tips for dealing with Iran, launching what one unnamed official described as “basically a geopolitical suggestion box next to the commissary salad bar.”

The move came hours after President Trump issued what he called his “final, absolute, no-take-backs last chance” warning to Tehran, threatening “decapitation” of the regime in a Truth Social post that also included a poll about which Fast & Furious movie is best. (The Rock spinoff was winning at press time with 64%.)

“Traditional deterrence frameworks have proven insufficient,” read a Pentagon memo obtained by Freedom Eagle and immediately laminated. “We are seeking novel approaches from all sources — uniformed personnel, civilian staff, and, quote, ‘whatever that guy in Building 4 who keeps emailing about weather-control satellites thinks.’”

"Someone seriously suggested we send a Hallmark card. 'Thinking of you during this difficult sanctions period.' They're... considering it."

The initiative, dubbed Operation Brainstorm Thunderbolt Liberty Eagle (the naming committee has also been fired), has reportedly yielded a rich harvest of strategic innovation. Submitted ideas include:

The “Oops, All Carriers” gambit — parking every aircraft carrier in the Navy within visible range of the Iranian coast. “It’s not a blockade,” an aide clarified. “It’s a naval flash mob. Completely different legal framework.”

The “Gruesome Twosome” approach — sending Dennis Rodman and a visibly uncomfortable Marco Rubio to negotiate directly with Supreme Leader Khamenei. Rodman’s participation is considered the more diplomatically viable of the two.

“We’re in uncharted waters here,” said Gen. Herbert Crankwell (ret.), now a cable news fixture who appears on screen approximately 14 minutes after any news event involving a desert. “The last time we got this creative was the surge. Or the other surge. Or — look, we’ve had a lot of surges.”

Rejected Iran Strategy Proposals (Unredacted)

  • Operation Passive-Aggressive Daiquiri: Send Iran a fruit basket with a note reading "We noticed you haven't called." Rejected for excessive produce costs.
  • The Full Bezos: Purchase Iran outright in a hostile takeover. Legal team says "sovereign nations are not publicly traded" but admitted they're "checking one more time."
  • Operation Let Jared Handle It: Vetoed by literally everyone, including Jared.
  • Cyberattack Their Grubhub: Cancel every order of ghormeh sabzi in Tehran. Psychological warfare under Article 4 of the Geneva Conventions. Legal review pending.

At press time, a junior Pentagon staffer had reportedly submitted “maybe we just stop threatening to decapitate them?” as a creative and unconventional strategy. The suggestion box was immediately removed.