Friday, September 11, 2026 Fair & Imbalanced™
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Trump pledges a $5,000 dividend to every adult American if the Republicans win the midterms; the non-voters are, per one staffer, "the most important customers in the building" ◆ Peru's 600-year-old royal tomb was so well hidden, even the looters couldn't find it; the team realized, one centimeter at a time, that the ground was doing the thing ◆ Oil tops $100 a barrel and the Fed is now being asked to hike — the exact opposite of the direction everyone, including the Fed, had been hoping to avoid ◆ Scientists confirm the morning coffee has, all along, been doing a second job, and the second job, per the peer-reviewed paper, is a good one ◆ Nike's "Specter" jerseys are so bold that a fan group has formed to remember what the old ones used to look like, in high definition ◆ The emoji taste-test trend is turning entire diners into one very confused flavor experiment; the pickle and chocolate is the one people apologize for ◆ The 25th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks; the President, at the Pentagon ceremony, tried to position himself close to the recovery efforts, which he was, at the time, not ◆ Smithsonian's first Black secretary steps down; the regents confirm they did not ask him to leave, which is, in the specific, the part of the sentence that was left in ◆ Israel gives Britain 30 days to close its East Jerusalem consulate, calling the British move "audacity," which in diplomatic English means "we will now be difficult" ◆ Scientists find the first Denisovan forearm bone — 1.7 inches, 40,000 years old, and, per the researchers, the part that makes them quiet

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Reader Poll

The President has promised $5,000 to every adult American if the Republicans keep both houses. The check goes to everyone, including the people who are not voting for the party that triggers it. What is the most honest word for that?

"Dividend" — a word that implies you already own a share, which, in the specific, is the part the country has been asking about for a while 38%
"Incentive" — the word the other side uses, and the word that, in the specific, makes the whole sentence do the thing it is doing 31%
"Promise" — the word the President uses, and the one that, in the specific, has a long, specific, and mostly quiet track record of being a promise 31%

Poll results reflect the views of 12,041 voters, a number we chose because it is close to the number of Americans who, in the specific, have not yet decided whether to vote, and because a significant portion of the respondents had, in the specific, already typed the word "dividend" and then typed the word "dividend" again, just to make sure the computer was listening.

"A dividend is a share of the profit paid to the person who owns a share. We have, as a country, been a share of this thing for a while now. The check is not a bribe. A bribe is something you give to one person to do one thing. A dividend is something you give to everyone, because everyone, in the specific, is the enterprise, and the enterprise, in the specific, is winning, and the winning, in the specific, is the part that pays. You do not vote for the check. The check is the receipt for the fact that you were here, and that you stayed, and that, in the specific, the staying is, in the specific, the work."

— A campaign communications director, whose official title is, per the campaign, "long enough that it fits on one line if you fold the line in half, which is, in the specific, the same as saying it does not fit"