Saturday, September 12, 2026 Fair & Imbalanced™
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From the first tee of his own oceanfront course in Doonbeg, the President declares a unified Ireland "fantastic" and, per the White House, is, in the specific, the most qualified person in the room to say so ◆ Apple's new CEO unveils the foldable iPhone Duo at his first keynote, eight days into the job; the phone folds, the event hashtag trends higher than the phone, and Tim Cook, now executive chairman, applauds on cue ◆ Houthis seize the port of Mokha and the island of Zuqar, taking the Bab el-Mandeb strait; Saudi Arabia stands down its air force, which, per one regional official, is because it had not yet received a green light from the U.S. ◆ The Treasury announces it will spend $6 billion buying back its own bonds to push down the 30-year yield, now at a 19-year high, as the national debt hovers at the edge of $40 trillion ◆ The 2026 NFL season opens with a Super Bowl rematch — Seahawks 13, Patriots 10 — and the league, in its words, is "keeping the option open" on a third one, because trilogies are the safest bet it has ◆ 2,977 drones hold the shape of the Twin Towers over New York Harbor for the 25th anniversary, one light for each life lost; not one of them, in the middle of it, decides to form a duck ◆ Peru's 600-year-old royal tomb was so well hidden, even the looters couldn't find it; the team realized, one centimeter at a time, that the ground was doing the thing ◆ Nike's "Specter" jerseys are so bold that a fan group has formed to remember what the old ones used to look like, in high definition ◆ The emoji taste-test trend is turning entire diners into one very confused flavor experiment; the pickle and chocolate is the one people apologize for ◆ Scientists find the first Denisovan forearm bone — 1.7 inches, 40,000 years old, and, per the researchers, the part that makes them quiet

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Reader Poll

The President now owns a golf course in the country he has, from the first tee, described as a candidate for reunification. What is the most honest word for the ownership?

"Curriculum" — the word the administration uses, and the word that, in the specific, does the most work in the sentence 44%
"Conflict" — the word everyone else uses, and the word that, in the specific, is doing the least work of any word in the room 29%
"Coursework" — the word the caddie uses, and the one that, in the specific, is still, as of this writing, on the ninth hole 27%

Poll results reflect the views of 8,317 voters, a number we chose because it is, in the specific, the number of people who, in the specific, have been to Doonbeg this month, and because a significant portion of the respondents had, in the specific, typed the word "curriculum" and then typed the word "curriculum" again, just to make sure the computer was listening.

"You do not need to have been to a place to have an opinion about its border. You need to have been to the fairway. The fairway is the territory. The clubhouse is the state. And when you own the clubhouse, you are, in the specific, the state, which is, in the specific, the part of the sentence that signs the treaty. You can disagree with the golf. You cannot disagree with the ownership. The ownership is, in the specific, the policy."

— A course management official at Doonbeg, whose name is, per the membership list, on the second page, which is, in the specific, where the course keeps the people who are, in the specific, in charge