Sunday, November 1, 2026 Fair & Imbalanced™
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Record 48.6 million Americans vote early; Tuesday reduced to ceremony, flowers, and one motivated retiree ◆ Canada and the EU launch the Alliance for the Future; open to every nation, storm vocabulary included, one nation excluded ◆ Microsoft asks to borrow $25 billion; investors attempt to hand it $100 billion more before lunch ◆ New AI sees pancreatic cancer 475 days early; Americans to spend the extra 15 months doing what they do best, worrying productively ◆ NFL nine weeks old, zero coaches fired; agents, hot-seat boards, and network weathercasters insist the firing is still coming ◆ Poll finds only Harry Truman less popular before a midterm; the White House calls the ranking an honor, historians call it accurate ◆ National Deep-Dish Day: Chicago defends a pizza eaten with silverware; the crust, the city notes, was always a bowl ◆ Alaska Senate ballot lists four names and two of them are Dan Sullivan; the Justice Department asks a court to referee a phone book ◆ World's oldest shipwreck found off Turkey, 4,700 years old; the cargo outlived the box ◆ India's public impeachment postponed again for weather; the meteorological department remains the only branch functioning on schedule ◆

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Reader Poll

With 48.6 million votes already cast, what are your plans for Election Day itself?

"Watch the returns like it's a sport." 44%
"Take the nap I have already earned." 31%
"Go vote anyway, in case the machine needs cheering on." 25%

Results weighted from a representative sample of 2,314 readers, one county poll worker who has been bored since October 12 and will now speak to anyone about anything, and a retired exit pollster who admits he has been conducting exit interviews at his own driveway for six years.

"When Microsoft asked to borrow $25 billion, the order book filled past $100 billion in a single morning. I have spent this entire year being told by every adult institution in America to be afraid of the economy. What I actually did Thursday was lend a computer company my retirement, in under sixty seconds, with a smile."

— Deirdre Flanagan, Definitely Real Fixed-Income Analyst, holder of six certificates of deposit and one (1) bond receipt she has since laminated