Monday, November 2, 2026 Fair & Imbalanced™
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Michigan Democrat endorses Republican Senate rival two days before Election Day: “He told me to stay away. He's right” ◆ Washington rediscovers the farm belt in week nine: pay full price all year, receive a friendly check before the vote ◆ Global election consultants add the U.S. midterms to the catalog: “You were already doing it. We just sped it up” ◆ 1960 physics formula predicts the end of the world on Friday the 13th; the city confirms trash pickup remains on schedule ◆ The last MLB game may already have been played; season-ticket holders advised to keep one seat warm until March ◆ USDA finds 1.5 million pounds of meat suffered temperature abuse; deli manager personally offended on the meat's behalf ◆ Columnist publishes Election Eve porch code; Rule 3 declares the compost pile neutral ground under all conditions ◆ Record 48.6 million Americans vote early; Tuesday reduced to a ceremony with flowers ◆ Microsoft asks to borrow $25 billion; investors attempt to hand it $100 billion more before lunch ◆ NFL nine weeks old, zero coaches fired; everyone involved insists the firing is still coming ◆ World's oldest shipwreck found off Turkey, 4,700 years old; the cargo outlived the box ◆

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Reader Poll

It's Election Day. How do you intend to spend it?

"Vote before breakfast, then sulk at the returns in peace." 38%
"Declare it a normal Tuesday. My lawn remains neutral." 34%
"Watch the returns like weather. Bad forecasts belong to someone else." 28%

Results weighted from a representative sample of 3,401 readers, one county poll worker who has been waiting since early October for something to happen, and a New Hampshire man who maintains he personally knows every candidate on the ballot and asks that this not be printed as a correction.

"By the close of the last precinct, one of your neighbors will have made a decision history will judge harshly. Learn to wave anyway. The leaf blower has to cross the fence line eventually."

— Marlene Ottersen, retired school board president of Des Moines, Iowa, holder of a 31-year porch record and confirmed fence person