Saturday, October 31, 2026 Fair & Imbalanced™
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Fox poll says 88% of voters call government corrupt; both parties claim the number, neither claims the noun ◆ Anthropic files for the biggest IPO ever under ticker "ANT," listing $80 billion in losses and the end of humanity in the same document ◆ Intel has its worst day since July 1974; the U.S. government loses $12 billion and calls the number "unrealized" ◆ India schedules a public impeachment for noon; the meteorological department declines to permit, second adjournment now pending ◆ World's oldest shipwreck found off Turkey, 4,700 years old; the cargo outlived the box ◆ Nick Saban turns 75 on the road with College GameDay; the family celebrated early because the broadcast, naturally, comes first ◆ Halloween editorial: the haunted house charges $40, delivers exactly what it advertises, and posts its own exit — take notes, economy ◆ Sinaloa bans narco Halloween costumes for a third straight year; enforcement is a wave and a thumbs-up ◆ Alaska Senate ballot lists four names and two of them are Dan Sullivan; the Justice Department asks a court to referee a phone book ◆ $6.3 Billion gone from Binance — one engineer's laptop did it; CZ asks Musk to stop laughing, mentions the SpaceX stake ◆

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Reader Poll

With Halloween landing the night before the midterms, what scares you most?

"The election results." 41%
"What is actually in the candy bowl." 36%
"Finding out two candidates on my ballot are the same person." 23%

Results reflect the views of 1,127 readers, one exit pollster of ill repute, and the owner of a haunted funeral parlor outside Paducah, Kentucky, who canvassed her entire ticket line and reported only fear she had knowingly purchased.

"Everybody agrees the government is on sale. The only division left in this country is over who gets to hold the For Sale sign — and Tuesday, the voters get to hold it for about four seconds at a polling place, which is the most this country has ever agreed on anything."

— Definitely Real National Deputy Director of Consensus Affairs, a new office established this week expressly to agree with the polls, windowless office down the hall from the vending machine, shares a wall with the Intel desk