CLEVELAND — The American League Division Series begins Saturday, and one of the four matchups features a team whose namesakes are eight stone figures standing on columns in the middle of a bridge. The Cleveland Guardians, winners of essentially nothing for most of the last seventy years, take the Chicago White Sox in a best-of-five, and the single most important question heading into the series is whether the statues will play.

They will not play. They are statues. They are 1932 art deco commissions called the Guardians of Traffic, eight helmeted stone figures on the Lorain-Carnegie Bridge that the franchise adopted as its name in 2021 after considering, as has been well-documented, more than 1,100 options. The Spiders were available. The Buckeyes were available. The organization looked at every name in the English language and chose the one that required a drive to a bridge to fully appreciate.

And now that choice is in the postseason. The Guardians reached the ALDS by the usual method of outlasting other teams, while the White Sox reached it by sweeping the Houston Astros — three straight, Astros packing their bags in September, a result so quiet that Houston’s empty seats got their own news cycle. The two division rivals meet Saturday with a 107-year championship drought on one side and a bridge on the other.

"Cleveland named its team after municipal infrastructure and made the playoffs anyway. Every city with a nice overpass is now a contender."

THE GUARDIANS OF TRAFFIC: SCOUTING REPORT

  • Position: Static. Eight figures, four per side, on columns up to 42 feet tall.
  • Strengths: Immune to slumps, trades, and rain delays.
  • Weaknesses: Have never fielded a ground ball. Cannot leave the bridge. Were carved from granite in 1932.
  • Postseason experience: The statues watched the entire 1954 World Series from a bridge about a mile away and did nothing.
  • Intangibles: Enormous. They are literally the only roster in baseball guaranteed to show up on time.

Some people say a team should be named after something that moves. Those people also think the mascot should do the work, which is not how any of this works. The mascot is a promise. The statue is the promise that Cleveland traffic, at some point in 1932, was worth guarding. A city that guards its traffic can guard a one-run lead in October. The logic is airtight and the bridge has been making it for ninety-four years.

At press time, the Guardians announced the eight statues had been placed on the 40-man roster for the series. They will not be available to bat. The club expressed confidence anyway.