An 8-Pound Burrito in Wichita Falls Has Defeated Every Person Who Has Tried It, and It Is, Quietly, Proud

WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS — There is a burrito in Wichita Falls that has never lost. It is eight pounds. You have thirty minutes to eat it. Nobody, on the record, has. It is, according to the people who have tried, not a meal. It is, according to the people who have tried, an event, and the event, according to the people who have tried, is over.

The challenge is at a restaurant in town, and the rules are, by challenge standards, almost kind. The burrito is eight pounds. The clock is thirty minutes. The prize, if you win, is that you have won, which is the standard arrangement. The current record holder, a man the restaurant describes as “Da Garbage Disposal,” did it in thirteen minutes and twenty-six seconds, which is, per the restaurant, “fast, but the burrito is still undefeated,” a distinction the restaurant maintains with the quiet dignity of a family that has been doing this a long time. Per 106.3 The Buzz, the challenge’s record stands at 13:26, set by a man the local outlet simply will not stop talking about.

The burrito is eight pounds of, in the specific, a lot of burrito, wrapped in foil, sitting on a counter in Wichita Falls. The people we interviewed had a consistent account. One said it was “bigger than you’d think,” which, for an object that weighs eight pounds, is an understatement of such structural integrity we have preserved it here. Another said it was “not for everyone,” which, for a food challenge, is the equivalent of a warning shot. A third, who had gotten to about the point where the burrito became less a food and more a geometry problem, said, and we quote, “I stopped thinking about it as a burrito and started thinking about it as a distance.”

The restaurant, when asked about the psychology of the burrito, said the burrito is, in the specific, the burrito, and that the burrito does not lose, which is the restaurant’s position on the matter. When asked if it had considered making the burrito smaller, the restaurant said no. When asked why, the restaurant said, “it’s the burrito,” said it again, and then it brought us a water.

The man who holds the record, when asked about the experience, said, and we quote, “it’s a lot of burrito,” and when asked what it was like at the point where the burrito became less a food and more a distance, said, “a lot more burrito,” and then he hung up, which is, on this record, the standard exit for a man who has eaten eight pounds of the thing in thirteen minutes.

At press time, the burrito was on the counter. The restaurant said it was ready, that the thirty minutes was a thing, and that the eight pounds was a thing, and that nobody, on the record, had, in the specific, the thing. When asked if it was undefeated, the restaurant said, “the burrito is the burrito,” and then it brought us another water.